grief

Hey you guys I know it's been a while since my last post. I have made some changes with some things right now. I have deleted my podcast I just feel like it was time I kind of miss it but I'm waiting to figure out what I'm going to do with it.

A Christmas was okay working as normal. So that's a plus I still have a job as of today. And a lot has changed since then. The person that hired me decided to leave and take his family elsewhere and I've been without a boss since October and it's kind of hard to find my fitting because I feel like I'm not doing anything and I'm not putting in my work. Only because I have no direction and I'm literally learning as I go and I'm questioning everything right now. So evidently I don't know if I'm coming or going most days. And with the new year protein my only goal was to pay off my car.

And paid off my car is what I did. As of February my car is officially paid off. But the celebration was bittersweet because on February 6th at 5:00 a.m. my grandmother passed away. My grandmother passed away a few days before her 82nd birthday. My grandmother had dementia and my grandfather had to put her in a memory Care facility because he could take care of her at home and he really didn't want any outside help all that much. So being able to take off work for bereavement and to be there for my grandfather was good. I was blessed because I have people from my life group helping me with funds my mother help me, my father helped me, and I don't know if I would make it. I didn't have the money at all and then on top of that I found out that my work wasn't taking taxes out and I didn't remember ever completing the W-2 and so now I owe taxes for the past year. So I'm frustrated and try not to dub into Old habits where I'm overspending and overcompensating for things that I don't have and I think that I want. So it's been a lot going on over here. And I don't know what else to do I have no direction but I can't keep just leaving work and going home and getting in bed it's not feeding me right now. And going to life group on Saturday. I went this past Saturday and it just felt weird like I said the sadness came over me I don't know if I was thinking about my grandmother or just being a new space I don't know I just kind of feel awkward. It's just weird right now so I'm going to try to keep at least a blog on I know nobody reads this but it's good for me.

Butterfly in the sky

It's been a while since I've been back here, I've been just trying to live life in this crazy ass economy. I've been struggling with my new job and trying to find my place and a lot of changes have been going on. My boss left about 2 weeks ago and I have reached my 6-month of employment at the place that I work. And I still don't know what I'm supposed to do as far as tasks and stuff because I'm doing a little bit of this and a little bit of that and still trying to learn as well. I thought by now in my life I would be a little bit further along.

Meaning I'll be married have children being some type of relationship, but yet I've been in this recurring cycle the last 8 years of debt and layoffs unemployment anxiety about finances debt and depression. And right now this job has just been just a job. I have not met anybody or gotten close to anyone since I started working here. It's hard for me to connect with people because I don't know who to trust and I'm so much in late life right now that I don't even know if I should start over. And when it comes to relationships is always hard for me because everybody leaves and one of the reasons why I've never dated in my whole adult life I think it's probably too late now is because of that factor everybody leaves or now I'm going to place where I don't have to deal with heartbreak and sadness and if you're going to cheat on me or divorce me or anything like that. But at times it would be nice to have someone to do things with.

So within these last two weeks of my boss leaving and going to California for his new job, the only joy that I had over these past few weeks or that I was looking forward to was nostalgia. These last two weeks have been filled with nostalgia. With NSYNC coming back on the scene with a new song which is okay it's not my cup of tea but you know I'll take it. And then going to the VMAs this year. And having some type of of appearances elsewhere have been great for me. I've enjoyed all of it these past few weeks. Then the other night I was able to score tickets to see LeVar Burton of Reading rainbow Fame and Star Trek Fame as a speaker at a university close to where I live. Normally I wouldn't go to things like that by myself because I will always want to go with someone but because the ticket was very inexpensive and AKA free, I wanted to do something that I can enjoy. I haven't had anything that I've enjoyed in a long time and I actually liked it. It was only an hour of a talk it was a lot of people there. I treated it like it was a date. I went and got fajita tacos and then headed over to where the event was and decided to stay. I was really happy with my decision. I didn't try not to let my anxiety get in the way of my decision because I know me I would question parking and traffic and how many people would be there if the weather was going to be okay but I put it aside because this is something that I wanted to do.

Just being able to do something that I like was rewarding. Even though I just have $100 in the bank to last me to the end of the month. I'm trying not to think about it I am looking for part-time jobs I've been applying as well. But also just praying and figuring out what would be the next best step for me I'm scared and I don't know what else to do right now. But having something to look forward to has been great for myself health as well as my self-care. And they're going to be more free events in my town soon that I will be able to enjoy and I can't wait to share those with you. So the latebloomer loner Chronicles continues hopefully arrive with me.

Understanding 38

Well, it's been a minute since we've lost blog. But I wanted to jump on here and give update of everything that's been going on. I have a new job that I've been at for the past few months and it's OK. I took a pay cut for this job. I'm struggling financially and I'm only getting paid once a month which is been really hard for me. And try to remember how to budget and all that good stuff. I've signed up to do, the DoorDash and other services like that I'm waiting to hear back. But because of where I live, it's oversaturated. At my job they will be able to pay for me to go to school but in order for me to go to school I will have to be there for six months and then I won't be able to start until the following semester which will be in January 2024 and then I'm a indebited to them for the next 3 1/2 years actually another year after that because I will have to stay on for additional year. I can't live off what I make knowing that I will be in school and I need supplies and stuff. So I'm consideree my options right now. i'm just existing right now is the world. There's so much that I want to do but I've been so afraid to do it. But I just had a birthday and I'm two years away from 40 and I realize I have not ever experience life because I've been on the edge of existing for such a long time and I don't know what to do about that. Everything that I wanna do requires money and it requires me to put myself out there in the vulnerable is hard for me even though I'm doing this right now. But it's easier for me to do those because I'm behind the screen and it makes it less threatening for me. And I just wanna be happy I'm tired of being depressed and down the dumps more and more every day. But I know it will get better but has to get better. It needs to get better. I don't even know if I even want to go to school, but considering my options that I've had over last recent years old masters degree to do more in line, but the pay will probably still be a little bit more if not the same.

Clueless

It been awhile since I have blog. I have been in the right space to do so. since we last spoke, I have been going through a transition. I ended up getting a new job and I took a pay cut, and I only get paid once a month. So just like most of the USA, I am struggling to pay bills and to stay afloat. I'm doing my best right now to budget wisely and to get back in the hang of things. I am in the $50,000 of debt that's including student loans and credit cards. I realize that I have a spending problem because spending makes me feel like I'm doing something that I am contributing to something, it's feeding this little girl inside of me that needs to be validated. and I am in therapy so hopefully I will be addressing those issues very very soon. Also, with this new transition in my job life, I have making holidays off which is rare that I even get those off but that's been a treat for me. But also, this is like the loneliest I've ever felt in a long time. I don't think I've ever felt this isolated in a long time. Granted I'm older I'm almost close to 40 not at 40 yet , but my birthday is in a week and I didn't make any plans. I don't really have anybody to do anything with and I'll just be working. So I thought I would have that to look forward to, but it doesn't feel the same and I want to be happy about something, but I think in my mind, happiness doesn't want to happen for me . So trying to build consistency right now has been hard for me because I start something and complete it. And at this stage of my life I need to complete some thing, so I feel like I'm contributing to society more and to have a break in life. I would love to move out of my apartment. I've been here for about eight years now I would love to travel I would love to be debt-free and everything is just been taking time. Once I start some thing like a new job such as last year or earlier this year I get laid off I'm like crap I'm making progress and here we are not making progress because of being laid off. Tired of being broke. Every job I take is crappy or than the other one. Every job I have either have a supervisor that's really nice and they're there momentarily. Then I get a crappy when it comes in or a vibe really well with a coworker. We have a lot of things in common and I get ghosted. It hurts hurts a lot and I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing at this stage in my life I thought I knew everything and I really don't. but what I do know is that the loneliness that I feel I'm longing for something I don't know if that's love acceptance or validation, but I'm longing for something that's bigger than me and I can't describe it right now and I think I've always had this thing about wanting to belong. I was never the prettiest nor the smartest but I've always felt like I was on one and just there to take up space in the world and it sucks to have to feel that way. and I'm just at a place right now where I just come home from work and I do nothing except eat and sleep and that's it. I'm such a late bloomer to everything and I just like well I'm already here I'm comfortable, so what else could happen and I feel like sometimes I'm just walking disaster, and then I'm in loved and unwanted. I think I'm just gonna take this month of my birthday and get in tune with life.

Interview Exchange Program

So it has been about 3 weeks since I've been laidoff. I have had few job interviews. One was for a MAT program -- MAT meaning medication assitance treatment program for recovery addicts. An old co-worker of mine works. It has been a year since I have worked in addictions. Been enjoying the break from it. I went to the interview -- it was an hour and change away from where I live. The drive was nice and very long and whiny. I pulled up to the builiding. It was in a skeckty area. The waiting room was old with date interior. 2 windows with staff. I had texted my friend that works there to let her that I have arrived. We saw each other and I was so happy to see her and was grateful for mention to interview. The person in charge was nice and welcome. The interview was basic, asking me questions like are you comfortable with a 50 person caseload, coming in at 5am to work and how far to you live from here. My axienty went into overload. While the job seemed good, I knew that the drive was not that great for me. The person offered to forward my resume to a closer location near my home. Two days I get a am email from another location asking to meet with me. I confirmed that that cretain location that was told that my resume was going to was fully staffed and that my resume was forwarded to anonther location and little bit farther but close. I went to the interview. First thing was filling out an application. I met briefly with that person in charge. This time the vibe felt off. Like why do you have 3 open spots. Once again the place was old and smelled of mildrew. After my interview with her, she sent me over to another person who was the clinical driector. Not before having me pee in a cup. In my mind Im like this is too fast and you havent even checked my refrences. I knew then, you just want a body here. It was empyty. The clinical director office smelled of bath and bodyworks porturri. My head was starting to hurt. She is asking me a buttload of questions and talking to me. My head was telling me that I need a job but heart was saying run for the hills. I was happy when it ended. The drive home was not too bad. When I got home something told to call another location that was 20 mins from. They admitted to me to that they were hiring. And the email my resume to them. Yes I know that said I didnt feel right about the job but at this point Im going off surivival mode. That is my comfort. Thinking of every horrible thing that can come to past. I arrived at the facility and it was all just like the other facilities were old and dated. Very small but large and very much slow. As I was filling out the application I was called into the clinical directors office. She was older woman with another person in the room. I go into her office and there was with this extra large mahogany wood brown table as she sitting behind it very much and I don't care mode. She ended up taking one glance at my résumé and asked how are you able to get your licensure in a short amount of time I explain to her that I have been working in addictions and social services for a while, and I was able to obtain the beginning of my licensure at an earlier time in 2017. She said well once again how are you able to do that? Do you even have a degree? And I said yeah it's on my résumé. I have a bachelors degree. I've been doing this for a long time, and then she said , how was the training for you? Did you have a CI? And I said yes, I had a CI and we had weekly meetings and I did groups in some case management and some individuals and sat in on lead therapist individual sessions and family sessions. I was able to conduct a few. And she said well, it seem like you didn't do enough to earn your hours and we have a 50 person caseload and we have Medicare and how would I know if you'll be able to even write documentation if you weren't taught those things. I let her know that I have I've been able to write documentations for a very long time, including assessments, and I've been doing intakes for a very long time and yes, I may need a refresher, but I should be able to do the job . She said well it seems like you didn't have enough training and that is something that we harp on here, we can get to training you but you have to start from scratch with you because we don't know your ability. Mind you I am sitting there feeling defeated at this moment because I felt like I shouldn't have to argue my ability and my skills and you're questioning me on everything. And so I told her that I have been unable to pass the test and she said oh well tell me what is an assessment, is tell me what a screening is, was so nervous I was giving her definitions that she said no that's wrong that's what this is or its meaning. She went on this say, How are you gonna be able to work here if you don't know the basic definition of those. She went her soapbox about having to retrain others that has come to her. I was so mortified and I was like am I reading too much into this. And I don't know what to do. I just was waiting for this to be over and so I can go home and cry. And I know my worth least I thought I did at that moment and it feel like I didn't but I just left a bad taste in my mouth. It was just like I've done all of this for nothing and the more,more I thought about it the more I was like I really don't wanna work in this industry anymore. I know how it makes me feel and I'm feeling that way right now. And the way she treated me in her office maybe it was constructive criticism but maybe I took it a different way but it just felt it just didn't feel right. So finally, the interview concluded I still have the application in my hand. She wanted me to show her proof that I had my certification intern status cause I still have Internet status because I haven't passed test. It was just like I've done all of this for nothing and the more more I thought about it the more I was like I really don't wanna work in this industry anymore. I know how it makes me feel and I'm feeling that way right now. And the way she treated me in her office maybe it was constructive criticism or maybe I took it in a different way but it just felt it just didn't feel right. So finally, the interview concluded I still have the application in my hand. She wanted me to show her proof that I had my certification intern status cause I still have Intern status because I haven't passed test. If you look at the state that I am at you will be able to see that by my name and my date of birth what my license your number is and when it expires. I told her that I would bring it back with my rest with my application. I let the front office staff know that I'll be back that Monday was a holiday. I went in my car and I ripped up my application and I just went home and just keep applying to more jobs and that is where we are now And it's it's a process as everything is in life but that right there I did not feel good about. Most people probably tell me to suck it up buttercup and just do what you Gotta do but I just didn't want that and she hasn't called so I figured she wasn't gonna call at all and I'm OK with that .

Recycling again

So its been a min. since Ive been here. Last year I had started a new job after being laid off. Here I am once again laid off again. Second time in 2 years. I question myself alot. Im 37 and have no idea what I want to do with my life. Theraphy has not helped me figure that out yet. I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a baby doctor AKA OB-GYN. Then I watched TLC a BabY story and was like nope. Went to College to become a sociologist and even got into grad school. Only to withdrawal due to the fact I felt like I couldn't do it or live up the hype of it. Lesson of the day = queen of self -sabotage. You see I don't ever trust my decisions that I make. I always want perfect but I know that it doesnt exist. My years of people pleasing and wanting to fit it has caught up with me and the loneiest of the loneist hour feels like daily reminders of how fuck I have made my life thus far. I guess this year its time to get to know me. When I think about my life -- I have always struggled. I see others living and thriving and I feel so left behind. Latebloomer to everything because of trauma and low self- esteem, sometimes I feel too late to do anything worthwhile. Constant cycle of starting and stopping is too much for me. Maybe its because Ive been running on survival and not trusting the process.

metamorphosis

Hi it's me again. Life has been good so for. Walking everyday at my lunch. Clearing my mind. It's great to get out in the sun and feel the breeze. 

Lately it's been good clearing my mind. Hard as life is, it's scary the way the world is with high prices everywhere. Im scare of being homeless and without. But the energy and knowing that God has me is an ease unlike any thing. 

Finding peace is hard but y'all these walks. Listening to music and going at the pace of the songs and being free. The freedom of being outside. When I was a child I played outside alot. My imagination ran wild. My father's parents had a big open yard and the neighborhood kids and would play on my grandfather's tractor. Hide and seek was hiding in my grandfathers combine. 

BBQ was good for the weekend and family gatherings where always fun filled with gossip about people in the town. 

 I miss times that that. 

Change is very scary and I'm trying to figure it out.